The funniest self-checkout jokes, ranked.

2 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).

1. 1

   

   Remain Seated, 2020 · on Self-checkout

   72

   “I hate that grocery store self-checkout. What in the world? All the enjoyment of working at the store without the satisfaction of getting a paycheck.”

   Neat reframe of the customer as unpaid staff.

   Scraps from the Loft: Larry the Cable Guy, Remain Seated transcript ↗All Self-checkout jokes →

2. 2

   

   What's Wrong with People?, 2012 · on Self-checkout

   66

   Maniscalco never wants to be the person holding up the self-checkout line.

   “I went in at 3AM. Nobody there. I did a self-training on this machine. I got all the different screens down, I memorized some of my favorite items, four-one-six-two: bananas.”

   The secret 3AM training session and the memorised PLU code are vivid specifics.

   Scraps from the Loft: Sebastian Maniscalco, What's Wrong with People? transcript ↗All Self-checkout jokes →