100 topics. Every comic's take. Who told it funniest?

The 20 funniest, ranked

1. 1

   “You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders.”

   Chris Rock on Guns

   91
2. 2

   “This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

   Jerry Seinfeld on Funerals

   90
3. 3

   “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

   Jon Stewart on Thanksgiving

   90
4. 4

   “The other day, a woman in my neighborhood was walking her dog, had the dog stolen from her at gunpoint. Now it's my dog.”

   Anthony Jeselnik on Neighbors

   88
5. 5

   “Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”

   Woody Allen on Religion

   88
6. 6

   “You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don't know, and you are told this by an adult that you don't know.”

   John Mulaney on School

   88
7. 7

   “It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

   Woody Allen on Death

   88
8. 8

   “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

   George Carlin on Driving & traffic

   88
9. 9

   “Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.”

   Mort Sahl on American history & 1776

   87
10. 10

    “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

    Woody Allen on College

    87
11. 11

    “A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.”

    Mitch Hedberg on Bugs & spiders

    87
12. 12

    “I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.”

    John Mulaney on Dogs

    87
13. 13

    “When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

    Rodney Dangerfield on Hospitals

    87
14. 14

    “Happy white people’s Independence Day. The slaves weren’t free, but I’m sure they enjoyed fireworks.”

    Chris Rock on Fourth of July

    86
15. 15

    “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."”

    Jack Handey on The weather

    86
16. 16

    “I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever.”

    Mitch Hedberg on Birds

    86
17. 17

    “#2 was death. Death is #2? This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

    Jerry Seinfeld on Death

    86
18. 18

    “I went to see my psychiatrist and he told me I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'OK, you're ugly, too.'”

    Rodney Dangerfield on Therapy

    86
19. 19

    “Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy.”

    Chris Rock on Rich people

    86
20. 20

    “I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”

    Tim Vine on Vacations

    86

All 100 topics