The funniest birthdays jokes, ranked.

4 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).

1. 1

   

   Bones and All, 2024 · on Birthdays

   82

   “every year on my birthday, my dad would take me into the kitchen, put me up against the kitchen wall and make a little mark to measure my girth.”

   Wholesome growth-chart ritual ruined by one word.

   Scraps from the Loft — Anthony Jeselnik: Bones and All (transcript) ↗All Birthdays jokes →

2. 2

   

   The Comeback Kid, 2015 · on Birthdays

   78

   Mulaney describes making a 'Happy Birthday' poster with a giant 'H' and running out of room.

   “And now I have no room for the ‘Y’, so I’ll do a kind of curled-up noodle ‘Y’. Block letters and cursive look good together.”

   Universal homemade-sign failure, narrated with delusional confidence.

   Scraps from the Loft — John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (transcript) ↗All Birthdays jokes →

3. 3

   KH

   What Now?, 2016 · on Birthdays

   74

   For Hart's birthday his son gives him a painted handprint.

   “I looked at it, I said, “I’m gonna be honest with you, son. “I don’t really feel like you do. “I don’t think this is a good representation of your level of love for me.”

   A grown man critiquing a child's handprint gift with total seriousness.

   Scraps from the Loft — Kevin Hart: What Now? (transcript) ↗All Birthdays jokes →

4. 4

   

   Tamborine, 2018 · on Birthdays

   70

   Rock explains how he toughens up his daughters about how the world treats them.

   “At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream… with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “Should’ve got chocolate.””

   Shocking image that turns into a pointed racial lesson; dark by design.

   Scraps from the Loft — Chris Rock: Tamborine (transcript) ↗All Birthdays jokes →