The funniest valentine's day jokes, ranked.

6 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).

1. 1

   GG

   stand-up · on Valentine's Day

   84

   Giraldo complains that Valentine's cards now go to everyone, not just your partner.

   “I got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago.”

   Grumpy-observational setup that detonates into the wrong kind of implication.

   VICE — 10 Famous Comedians and Their Thoughts on Valentine's Day ↗All Valentine's Day jokes →

2. 2

   

   tweet, 2013 · on Valentine's Day

   76

   “Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.”

   Self-mocking image that's both gruesome and precise.

   VICE — 10 Famous Comedians and Their Thoughts on Valentine's Day ↗All Valentine's Day jokes →

3. 3

   JR

   The Burn with Jeff Ross · on Valentine's Day

   72

   “Happy almost Valentine’s Day, the day we give chocolates to the last person we ever want to become fat.”

   Exposes the holiday's quiet contradiction in one clause.

   VICE — 10 Famous Comedians and Their Thoughts on Valentine's Day ↗All Valentine's Day jokes →

4. 4

   

   TV monologue (video, per VICE) · on Valentine's Day

   68

   “Happy Valentine’s Day everybody, or as we call it in Los Angeles, conjugal visit day.”

   Efficient LA dig with a prison twist.

   VICE — 10 Famous Comedians and Their Thoughts on Valentine's Day ↗All Valentine's Day jokes →

5. 5

   

   The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson · on Valentine's Day

   64

   “Love is in the air today. Valentine’s Day. Remember, before you fall head over heels [in] love with someone you just met, remember the initials of Valentine’s Day.”

   Letting the audience finish the 'VD' joke is the whole trick.

   VICE — 10 Famous Comedians and Their Thoughts on Valentine's Day ↗All Valentine's Day jokes →

6. 6

   

   interview (NPR), 2015 · on Valentine's Day

   62

   Gaffigan calls Valentine's Day icky and rejects the idea that it's a reminder of love.

   “If you need the reminder, it's too late”

   Dry, wise, a little more aphorism than joke.

   NPR — For Three Comedians, Valentine's Day Makes For One Big Joke (2015) ↗All Valentine's Day jokes →