The funniest dogs jokes, ranked.
6 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
87John Mulaney The Comeback Kid, 2015 · on Dogs
“I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.”
Two incompatible images fused into one perfectly accurate creature.
- 2TC80
Tommy Cooper Stage one-liner · on Dogs
“My dog is harmless, really. I say to him, "attack" and he has one.”
The command word flips into a medical diagnosis in one syllable.
Chortle: Tommy Cooper's best jokes and tricks ↗All Dogs jokes →
- 3
78Jerry Seinfeld Stand-Up Confidential, 1987 · on Dogs
“Dogs are broke their entire lives. And you know why they have no money? No pockets! They have no pockets. They see change on the street, there is nothing they can do about it.”
Pure observational logic applied to an absurd premise; the helpless-dog image sells it.
- 4JH77
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts · on Dogs
“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”
Earnest concern for canine meritocracy is the joke; the Chihuahua specificity lands it.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (archived text) ↗All Dogs jokes →
- 5HH74
Harry Hill "Hooves" Live · on Dogs
“You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?"”
Talking down to the dog like a deluded child is gently, specifically true.
- 6KD68
Ken Dodd Stage one-liner · on Dogs
“I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go.”
Tidy self-defeating loop, though the turn is visible early.
BBC News: Ken Dodd, 17 of his funniest one-liners ↗All Dogs jokes →