The funniest the gym jokes, ranked.

4 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).

1. 1

   

   Laughing and Joking, 2013 · on The gym

   82

   “Whenever I'm in the changing rooms at the gym, I'm always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else's. But then, in fairness, it is erect.”

   A brag that flips into a far worse confession with three words.

   Scraps from the Loft: Jimmy Carr, Laughing and Joking transcript ↗All The gym jokes →

2. 2

   

   quoted in the Chicago Tribune, 1988 · on The gym

   80

   “I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, He'd put diamonds on the floor.”

   Theology as an excuse for sloth, with a perfectly in-character reward.

   Barry Popik: 'If God wanted us to bend over, He'd have put diamonds on the floor' ↗All The gym jokes →

3. 3

   

   I'm Only Joking, 2020 · on The gym

   68

   Whitehall's AirPods hadn't connected to his phone while he gently pedalled on an exercise bike.

   “the actual reason everyone in the gym was looking at me is that I was in the corner, on an exercise bike, hoodie on, AirPods in, playing to the entire gym, the theme tune from E.T.”

   The E.T. reveal is a vivid, specific humiliation; the setup runs long.

   Scraps from the Loft: Jack Whitehall, I'm Only Joking transcript ↗All The gym jokes →

4. 4

   

   Remain Seated, 2020 · on The gym

   55

   His doctor tells him to lose weight.

   “He says, "I want you to join a gym." I ain't joining a gym. Last time I was down there, I left a skid mark on the yoga mat.”

   Gross-out payoff lands but is fairly predictable.

   Scraps from the Loft: Larry the Cable Guy, Remain Seated transcript ↗All The gym jokes →