The funniest coffee jokes, ranked.
5 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
74Emo Philips stand-up · on Coffee
“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."”
Health-benefit setup flips into a cheeky religious jab.
Wikiquote – Emo Philips (citing stand-up material) ↗All Coffee jokes →
- 2
74Jim Gaffigan Dark Pale (special), 2023 · on Coffee
“And Starbucks, people sound like brats. They're like, “Okay. Let's see. What does baby feel like sipping on? I'll have a venti half-caf caramel macchiato with no sugar, no dairy, and no coffee.””
The 'no coffee' coffee order is the perfect absurd endpoint.
Jim Gaffigan: Dark Pale – transcript (Scraps from the Loft) ↗All Coffee jokes →
- 3AH72
Adam Hills Edinburgh Fringe 2009, 2009 · on Coffee
“Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.”
Dave's Joke of the Fringe 2009 – 6th placeCrude but tight analogy with an unexpected comparison.
Chortle – Revealed: the funniest jokes on the Fringe (2009) ↗All Coffee jokes →
- 4
58George Carlin FM & AM (album), 1972 · on Coffee
“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks.”
Sharp reclassification, more insight than punch.
Wikiquote – George Carlin (citing FM & AM, 1972) ↗All Coffee jokes →
- 5RS55
Roger Swift Edinburgh Fringe 2023, 2023 · on Coffee
“My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic.”
Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2023 – 7th placeLong walk for a pun that UK audiences see coming.
Taylor Herring (for Dave) – Dave's Joke of the Fringe 2023 ↗All Coffee jokes →