The funniest diets jokes, ranked.
5 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
80Ali Wong Baby Cobra (Netflix special), 2016 · on Diets
Married on the promise of early retirement, she's done working — and done dieting.
“Since I got married last year, I've been eating fried chicken skin every day since. That's right. And just fulfilling my destiny. Which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes.”
'A circle with eyelashes' is a vivid cartoon self-portrait.
Ali Wong: Baby Cobra – transcript (Scraps from the Loft) ↗All Diets jokes →
- 2
80Rodney Dangerfield It's Not Easy Bein' Me (memoir, p. 15), 2004 · on Diets
“A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."”
Selfish dieter's envy flips the sympathy setup cleanly.
Wikiquote – Rodney Dangerfield (citing It's Not Easy Bein' Me, 2004, p. 15) ↗All Diets jokes →
- 3
70Henny Youngman Quoted in The Haunted Smile (book), 2001 · on Diets
“My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.”
Vintage one-liner logic: wrong result, unexpected skill.
Wikiquote – Henny Youngman (citing The Haunted Smile, 2001) ↗All Diets jokes →
- 4
68Jim Gaffigan Noble Ape (special), 2018 · on Diets
“Have you bought clothes that don't fit thinking that'll be the incentive to lose weight? It's like, “Well, I've only gained weight” for the last 40 years, “maybe this shirt'll turn it around.””
The hopeful shirt is a familiar, sharply observed delusion.
Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape – transcript (Scraps from the Loft) ↗All Diets jokes →
- 5SM62
Sarah Millican Edinburgh Fringe 2010, 2010 · on Diets
“I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.”
Dave's Joke of the Fringe 2010 – shortlistGentle, dry self-own; relatable but soft.
British Comedy Guide – top 10 jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe 2010 ↗All Diets jokes →