The funniest drinking jokes, ranked.

6 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).

1. 1

   MH

   Live at the 40 Watt Club, Athens, Georgia, 2002 · on Drinking

   82

   “My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk.”

   Takes the metaphor literally and refutes it; tag 'like a step I didn't see' follows.

   Wikiquote – Mitch Hedberg (citing live at the 40 Watt Club, April 9, 2002) ↗All Drinking jokes →

2. 2

   

   It's Not Easy Bein' Me (memoir, p. 21), 2004 · on Drinking

   80

   “I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.”

   Milk-carton parody swapped to Scotch — instant picture.

   Wikiquote – Rodney Dangerfield (citing It's Not Easy Bein' Me, 2004, p. 21) ↗All Drinking jokes →

3. 3

   WF

   The Temperance Lecture (recording) · on Drinking

   76

   “Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”

   Boast that confesses failure; endlessly borrowed.

   Wikiquote – W.C. Fields (citing The Temperance Lecture) ↗All Drinking jokes →

4. 4

   

   Sane Man (special), 1989 · on Drinking

   74

   “I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.”

   Police lights as a disco — specific and visual.

   Wikiquote – Bill Hicks (citing Sane Man, 1989) ↗All Drinking jokes →

5. 5

   WD

   Edinburgh Fringe 2016, 2016 · on Drinking

   68

   “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.”

   Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2016 – 5th placeRegional dig hidden in a drinking story; 'came second' is a great button.

   The Guardian – Dave's top 15 funniest jokes of the 2016 fringe ↗All Drinking jokes →

6. 6

   

   Freezing Hot (Netflix special), 2015 · on Drinking

   66

   “You ever try getting a location from your drunk friends? It's like texting with a house cat. They send you the weirdest stuff.”

   'Texting with a house cat' is a precise, relatable simile.

   Iliza Shlesinger: Freezing Hot – transcript (Scraps from the Loft) ↗All Drinking jokes →