The funniest airlines jokes, ranked.
6 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
84Jerry Seinfeld SeinLanguage (book), 1993 · on Airlines
Flying doesn't make him nervous; missing the plane does, because there's no alternative.
“No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight. We do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land."”
Escalates a dumb alternative into airline bureaucracy — the connecting cannon is the perfect topper.
- 2
80Ron White They Call Me Tater Salad, 2004 · on Airlines
Describing a tiny commuter plane from Flagstaff to Phoenix.
“We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!"”
Three fast, vivid images of a pathetic plane, each smaller and sillier than the last.
- 3
76Bill Bailey Tinselworm, 2008 · on Airlines
One of a list of bizarre conspiracy theories.
“Countries are actually closer than you think...Pilots just fly aeroplanes around longer to make you THINK they're far away”
A tidy, paranoid inversion of why flights take so long.
- 4MC74
Margaret Cho Revolution, 2003 · on Airlines
A flight attendant is coming down the aisle with the meal options.
“"Asian chicken salad...Asian chicken salad...Asian chicken salad..." And he gets to me and he's like, "...chicken salad!" What does he think I'm gonna do?”
The dropped adjective is a precise, awkward little act-out of tiptoeing racism.
- 5
72Dylan Moran Like, Totally, 2006 · on Airlines
On the in-flight meal service everyone uses to distract themselves from fear of dying.
“"Would you like red or white wine with your piece of vulcanised lizards cock from the moon? How about an extra bread roll, there to dip in your otter vomit pate?"”
Grotesque, ornate descriptions of airline food delivered in a polite steward's cadence.
- 6ED66
Ellen DeGeneres Taste This · on Airlines
“I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."”
Relatable and well acted-out, but the observation is familiar.