The funniest airports & tsa jokes, ranked.
6 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
82Louis C.K. Chewed Up, 2008 · on Airports & TSA
He's buying a Cinnabon at the airport he arrived at; airport food is only excusable when you're leaving.
“But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.”
Self-loathing made exact: the arrival-airport Cinnabon, eaten with cutlery, on his luggage.
- 2MH80
Mitch Hedberg Strategic Grill Locations, 1999 · on Airports & TSA
A guy at the airport told him he'd seen him on TV, without saying whether he was any good.
“So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport... About a minute ago... And you were good."”
Turns a stranger's non-compliment back on him with perfect deadpan logic.
- 3
75Dave Attell Skanks for the Memories, 2003 · on Airports & TSA
“They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!”
Spots an absurd airport shop and imagines the only customer it could have.
- 4
74Robin Williams Live on Broadway, 2002 · on Airports & TSA
Pre-9/11 airport security let you carry a four-inch blade; post-9/11 it's the opposite.
“Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're gonna go "ALL RIGHT! Gimme the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!"”
The manicure hijacker is a great absurd image for security theater.
- 5
72Michael McIntyre Live at the Apollo, 2007 · on Airports & TSA
On the 2007 Glasgow Airport attack, thwarted partly by holidaymakers.
“I think the lesson was learned: don't... fuck... with Scottish people... who have a holiday booked, okay?”
The final qualifier — a holiday booked — is a specific, very British turn.
- 6
70Jerry Seinfeld I'm Telling You for the Last Time, 1998 · on Airports & TSA
“Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? "Yeah, $14, tuna sandwich. We think that's fair."”
Classic observational economy; the act-out sells it, though the target is well-worn.