The funniest driving & traffic jokes, ranked.
6 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
88George Carlin Carlin on Campus, 1984 · on Driving & traffic
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
Universal self-centeredness captured in one perfectly balanced sentence.
- 2
79Jerry Seinfeld SeinLanguage (book), 1993 · on Driving & traffic
“When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination.”
'All confrontation, no destination' is an instantly quotable summary of road rage.
- 3
77Dylan Moran Monster, 2004 · on Driving & traffic
“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!”
Anxious logic stacks two incompetences into one catastrophe.
- 4
72John Mulaney New in Town, 2012 · on Driving & traffic
“I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.”
The surprising turn is siding with the people honking at him.
- 5AS70
Arthur Smith Edinburgh Fringe set, 2024 · on Driving & traffic
“I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.”
U&Dave Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2024 – top 15 (No. 4)Literalizes a cliché neatly, if gently.
BBC News: Funniest Joke at Edinburgh Fringe – Simmons' ship joke triumphs (2024, with top 15) ↗All Driving & traffic jokes →
- 6
70Bill Hicks Sane Man, 1989 · on Driving & traffic
“You ever see that sign that says 'speed limit enforced by aircraft'? Wow. Man, you get pulled over by a plane, you're going to have a hard time talking your way out of that ticket.”
Takes a real road sign literally and runs with the image.