The funniest public transit jokes, ranked.
5 comedians, one topic. Quoted from the source, funniest first by our laugh score: surprise of the turn (40), economy (30) and specificity (30).
- 1
78George Carlin Brain Droppings (book), 1997 · on Public transit
In LA everything, even killing, is based on driving; in New York, most people don't have cars, so...
“if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway.”
Deadpan pseudo-logic that explains subway crime as a transit delay.
Wikiquote: Car (citing Carlin, Brain Droppings) ↗All Public transit jokes →
- 2
76Michael McIntyre Live at the Apollo, 2007 · on Public transit
“"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards.”
A precise physical contradiction every commuter recognizes.
- 3
74Bill Bailey Part Troll, 2004 · on Public transit
“The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.”
Combusting out of boredom is a lovely surreal flourish on British rail misery.
- 4
70Dave Attell Skanks for the Memories, 2003 · on Public transit
“I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.”
Throwaway non-sequitur that hijacks the story with one invented magazine.
- 5
64Jerry Seinfeld Stand-Up Confidential, 1987 · on Public transit
The dumbest thing you can think in a New York cab is 'the man knows what he's doing.'
“I don't even know what it takes to get a cab driver's license. I think all you need is a face... and a name with, like, eight consonants in a row.”
Good rhythm, but the punchline leans on an easy foreign-name gag.